I have a horribly embarrassing admission to share about lows...

I sometimes savor them---as an excuse to go WAY off the reservation, off any suitable or allowable binge and just carb load on candy, cookies, liquorice, brownies, ice cream, sweetened condensed milk (disgusting for any sane person---I actually freeze the stuff!) Haagen Daz, Starbucks Frozen Yogurt, Starbucks Ice Cream, Plain frosting out of a tube like an animal or drug addict...

You get the drift...

It is repulsive and I often say to friends & family and my wife that I bet I eat WAY MORE SUGAR as a type 1 diabetic than I ever did pre diagnosis (1990). Way more. It is disgusting, but I often feel this sense of---I don't know what else to call it: 'Diabetic Entitlement'?

Kind of like: this illness is so exhausting, is so cumbersome, is so relentless, is so pervasive, is so maddening, is so illogical, is so haphazard and ill-suited to any kind of modern existence, that when I get low I am entitled to go nuts. Crazy, animalistic nuts in fact! 

I suppose I feel entitled since I never did anything wrong behaviorally to be blessed with this illness, so I overeat. Gross.

I have noticed than when I do that I start a terrible journey on what I call the 'Diabetic Rollercoaster': I go low, so I eat. I pig out in fact. Huge doses of carbs when in reality I don't need them at all---at least not that much. Not half as much, not a 1/4 as much, not an 1/8 as much, not 1/16 as much...etc

From there the results are dark, tragic and predictable---but I continue to engage in this kind of eating...After being in the 60s or something I will check after eating and find (not to my surprise mind you) that I am high---over 300.

So I correct or bolus and here the fun REALLY BEGINS. An hour later I m low again (Joy) and therefore have to eat again...and so on, and so on, and so on and on and on and on...

What I have recently found is that my lows become more and more debilitating and I just want them to stop as soon as possible. I can still detect them before getting below 60, but I am so angry and physically tired that I can humor or deal with them as well as I used to...So I shove into my pie-hole whatever I can find that will combat it immediately---like frosting or some other putrid substance!

This is what I call it the Rollercoaster. I go low, overcompensate and then go way way way high. Then I stack insulin with again, predictable dark results. 

Also---And I would love to know what other folks out there in the dlife community think about this, but I find that sometimes this pattern can go on for what seems like days, and I start to feel exausted and hung over, even without drinking any alcohol.

None.

After a few days of these wild swings, I start to feel overburdened and tired and un-interested in any kind of conversation or activity.

I want to hibernate with my dogs and movies and books.

I have also noticed that it takes me way longer to recover when I engage in this kind of reckless eating, but again IN THAT MOMENT I FEEL THAT ALL BETS ARE OFF BECAUSE I SIMPLY WANT IT TO STOP AND STOP NOW!

Hope I am not grossing anyone out here, but this is the non sugar coated (yuck) truth. I am hoping that writing and sharing it with others will get me to stop or at least recognize that it does nothing for me, my diabetes, my clothing(they get tight) or my athletic pursuits, my relationship with others etc. 

Your humble (and now unburdened )  dLife Host