Mental issues... Well, this is an interesting topic. I have never in my life up until now really thought much about them. I have always been such a realist and in touch with myself personally that I have always been seen as the rock to far too many people with problems. I have more and more becoming more in tune with what I can as most men do as a weakness.. there are many many fissures beginning to show in the rock and its like everything on the planet worn down with the time on the planet.. the fissures become cracks that can be felt, and seen.. mostly by us, but then its noticed by those who have known you as the person who never had any problems, the tough one.. the one who would and could never be touched. And when those people realize that you are no longer the one.. they are gone faster than a pocket full of quarters at the arcade.
The years of toting everything around has started to show, things that you'd simply deflect have started to get through to the weakened armor. The armor of being strong and working through everything regardless. The mission, the responsibilities, the years.. time is an odd hour glass for humans.. the younger you are, the slower the sand sifts to the bottom end of the vial... as we age, the sand flows faster and faster and it seems that rather that trying to take care of others constantly becomes less and less a worry as we notice that the age and our bodies and minds are just starting to wear out. I am worn down. A product of sports and life in the proverbial trenches, the chosen and violent and even sought after physical and mental pugelistic life. The challenge of living in a world where people underestimate you and you HAVE to not only prove them wrong, but attempt in your own mind to shame them into admitting that you are so much better at whatever it is that they know that they are defeated. To what point? I'm not even sure. We men (I do not speak for them all) have to see things and something to be beaten, everything is a challenge to win.. and winning is a myth. Winning causes damage... damage that we cover and conceal and brag about the scarring that it causes...
I am starting to really feel all of this. The age, the battles, the losses, the fickle and frankly vile nature of the human animal. They cannot be trusted and deep down, I think everyone really knows this. We came into this world alone, and thats how we are all going out. I sit here now alone in the dark house in the wee hours of the morning.. I've been up for hours just killing time, working doing what I need to get done later for work here at home. I have been waking up almost every day at 3:15 in the AM. This is the almost exact time locally in Iraq that my son lost his life. Somedays, i wake, look at the time and smile that he has once again decided to give me a nudge to tell me that he is still out there somewhere. And other times like today, I just get up and start the day.
I took a trip to California last week. The trips are getting a bit harder but I must visit the sea.. the sea and all of its smells and sounds is about the only place on the face of the earth were all is right. I will someday return to the sea were all life began. but for now, the struggle continues.
Sorry for the novel... just emptying the bucket that I tote around... it was time to empty it..