Over the years (and there's been 59 of them), I've been told I live a rather ridge lifestyle.  I've always laughed back and said if they'd only known me in my youth they'd think differently.  I started alcoholic drinking at age 13 and didn't attempt to quit until I was 21, and then it took another five years of in and out of AA to finally get it.  I finally quit in 1976 at age 26.  But that didn't mean I had all the answers and solutions.  I only knew, accepted, and practiced one thing:  one day at a time.  For that one day I didn't follow through with the drink that my body craved or my emotions yelled out for.  I've been doing that for nearly 34 years now.  There are still days, although rare, that I think about drinking again, especially when the newscasters urge a glass of wine a day with help for this or that.  I even thought about weed for the pain...but realized how very quickly that would  just be a substitute for the glass of wine.  Over these years, one way or another, I've been challenged by people, places, and events to have just one drink of this or that.  By the grace of God, all the little things, all the cute little sayings, and my belief that, if I still want to, I can drink the next day has accumulated into 34 years of a fairly contented life.

Then came diabetes eight years ago.  I have to be honest I never connected it to the principles of living a whole and happy life I'd learned in AA.  I never contemplated there would be a struggle.  I just figured I'd pop a pill every morning and that would be that.  When it wasn't, I went to a class (the worst class in the world) that insisted if I just lose weight the type 2 diabetes would go away.  I heard what they said, but didn't like their way of going there.  Despite that, I did lose weight--one day at a time--some 80+ pounds.  That's when I went on two pills a day.  That was about two years ago.  My numbers were just always in the 200s.  So I went on 3 pills a day and started to watch, when I could, my carb intake.  Still, I had lots of 200+ readings. 

So, I sat down with my doctor and got really honest with her.  (Honesty: the second principle of AA.)  I live on a really tight, strangling, budget.  At the first of the  month until around the 20th of each month, I'm able to follow a halfway descent low carb diet (Chicken does have carbs!).  However, the rest of the month is catch as catch can.  That's when she decided I needed the insulin to help when I just couldn't avoid the carbs (potatoes, rice, bread, pasta--all filling but really bad for us.)  I haven't been a junk food junkie in years, because I just couldn't afford to buy Twinkies and such. 

The insulin began to help.  What has helped most though is learning about me and this disease here at dLife, accepting that I will have to be this preoccupied with the subject of food intake/this disease for the rest of my life. (Acceptance:  the first principle of AA.)  Our group sayings like: Easy does It; God can and will, if he's sought; keep it simple stupid (aka: K.I.S.S); and so many more, can all help me one day at a time take in this massive subject.  I will never achieve prefection, I can only strive for it.

I'm slowly losing the fear of this disease.  Will I lose my eyesight?  I'm nearly 60; it's been going south naturally for some time now,  Will I have neuropathy?  Well, since I have other conditions that cause it too, I've had it for several years.   Will I lose a foot, leg, toe--not if I do things one day at a time the right way.  I'm trying to replace the fear with a healthy respect for diabetes, the way I did with alcoholism.

  I remember being so afraid that I couldn't stay sober, let alone sober for a year, five years, 20 years, or 34 years.  Now I wonder if I can keep this eating style up for a year, five years, 20 years, or 34 years.  That much time is too much to take in on a single day.  Pushing myself to remember I'm only accountable for the day I'm living, this moment, helps me maintain what I'm suppose to be doing.  I don't do it perfect, and there's a big difference between alcohol and having to put food in my mouth every day.  I've tried, though, to look at the similarities.  For example, I can't eat just one ice cream bar (damn my daughter for bringing them into the house), I will always eat the second and then the third.  It's the same with alcohol.  I can't have just one drink.  I tried, over and over, during the first five years in AA ,and I always ended up having the 2nd, 3rd, and fourth, along with a big case of remorse.  Alcohol was only one item (all forms of alcohol), and there are so many foods that I can binge on and not even know it until the remorse sets in.  So it's also one food at a time.  It's a growing and learning experience, that should not be taken lightly, but neither should we beat ourselves up. 

AA is a three part program: spiritual, emotional, and physical.  I remember my sponsor telling me to go home and scrub walls when I was being too emotionl.  He said to scrub the wall until I could let go of the emotional entanglement I had myself in and turn it over to a higher power, whom I choose to call God.  Washing walls is very physical.  I couldn't just tell him I did it, he'd come to make sure I did it.  Slowly I began to recognize what was a true emotional response to a valid situation and what was an irrational response to an irrational emotion (that' a mouth full).  What I'm trying to say is my emotional highs and lows became further and further apart.  (For a while, though, I had very clean walls.)  I am assuming the more I become less afraid of my diabetes, accept what I have to do daily, my high and low emotional will also improve, along with my numbers.  Both because physically I'm doing what I'm suppose to do and I'm working on the other two parts as well.

I'm in a good place today, even though there are problems on the home front again.  My daughter got and lost her job in one week.  I feel so bad for her.  The restaurant is having a really bad start, serving only about 20 plates a day.  They laid off one girl after 3 days and my daughter after 5.  They kept one cook and a waitress.  My daughter thinks they'll be out of business in two months.  She has about seven or less months before she's deployed into the Navy (I hope it's sooner).  We are just so financially strapped.  This too I am trying to turn over to my higher power, but it's hard. 

I'm feeling better physically too.  The sinusitis is clearing up, the bladder/kidney infection seems to be gone, the blisters from the medicine are only little red spots now, and my bs this morning was 123.  So, you can see it has been a better day, one to be grateful for.  Stay safe and kind to yourselves.  Sharon