I am Will's Irrational Optimism

I woke and took my reading, 108 I can live with that. I turned on the weather to see how to dress for my walk to the hospital for my lipid panel and A1c test. I sipped water and cleared my head. The weather report was good 65, sunny and a south wind gentle but refreshing. I had been concerned that fasting had dropped my numbers to the point where I would need to pack a snack for after my test to keep me on an even keel, but I was confident that I was in the safe zone. I showered, shaved, slathered my skin with moisturizers, dressed and headed on my way. I have been anticipating this moment for a long time now. Because of my initial blood values I had been in the dark about exactly what my cholesterol values were. I had a simple test at a diabetic fair but it only gave me my overall number. At less than 145 I am hoping for good news from this test. I know that I have made major changes in my diet and exercise patterns.

I have seen what my blood glucose levels are when fasting and after meals, I watched them smooth out into a gentle line with little fluctuation when well. I have seen them rise and fall precipitously when I am fighting off other illnesses. I logged and crunched the numbers, charting averages for each day, different times of days, and weekly averages. Testing in pairs has helped me when looking at problematic trends during the day. I fought to increase the number of times a day I was allowed to test. When the insurance company speaking though my doctor wondered why I needed to test more than twice a day. I pointed out to him we need to test more when sick, and without being able to look at different slices of time I would have never known I was having dangerous lows around noon so I could address it in a timely manner. To me testing twice a day is merely giving minor lip service to one of the more important tools we have to achieve control of our condition. How would we be able to know there were changes needed? How do we deal with flubbed readings? How do we know we are over a low and in the safe zone again if they force us to not take an active role in our own care? It is my life and my body. Do not stand in the way of doing what I need to keep it healthy.

In my misspent youth I was a puckish man-child both old beyond my years and paradoxically childlike in my delight.. I reveled in being a prankster. Not one bent on acts of vandalization. But one who practiced confrontational mental Ju Jit Su. The art of taking the preconceptions, dogmas and bias of my opponent and turning their preconceived notions on their ear. That inner child is still alive and well in me to this day. He was most definitely alive and well this morning. I was too full of good will and well being to be a miser and not share this embarrassing wealth of happiness with those I met today.

The walk to the hospital was fun. I was working on ideas for posting as I greeted each passerby. My enthusiasm was contagious and I wanted to spread is to all I met. I Registered for my tests and what would have been a routine procedure turned into the person I was being processed by opened up and tole me of her recent crisis with her blood glucose numbers, I learned of a recent operation, and how her healing was progressing. I listened and offered suggestions why her numbers were so high. I shared how my numbers had been in similar circumstances and how I coped. I left her smiling and feeling better. She agreed that it is the human factor that can be important in the struggles we all face with our condition.

I proceeded to the labs for my rendezvous with the vampire (Phlebotomist). I may have unnerved her when I said that I was looking forward to my tests. She looked at me dubiously and asked why on earth would I be eager for her ministrations. I explained that I had a firm belief that my results will be very good. She remained somewhat skeptical and initially resisted my attempts of seduce her into a better frame of mind. Persistence pays off though she was not laughing at least she had a smile on her face to brighten up her day. I am looking forward to another walk back to the hospital on Monday, I can't wait till my doctor's appointment to get the news.

The walk back home was refreshing. My spirits soaring high. Some of these words were running through my head as I chewed on them tasting how they sounded in my head. I spoke them into the air to sing out my gratitude for another day. Home again home again, breaking my fast. I read some posts and pondered what I would write. I was amazed at the comments I received on my last post. I want to thank each and every one for your comments and support. When I write it is my form of catharsis. A safety valve to release the torrent inside me so I do not burst. You are all too kind. I was humbled and elated. I just wanted to say how much yu all mean to me.

You may wonder why I used irrational to describe my optimism. My life is not always easy or happy. I have been at the breaking point, I can hear the wolf at the door and he is hungry. I have been sick, my injury resulted in long term unemployment. My benefits are exhausted and I am hoping that the latest extension will give me the means to keep a roof over my head and the lights on. while I wait to see if any of the jobs I applied for pan out. Couple this with all the stress and troubles I see around me surrendering to despair is just a bad day away.

Too much honesty is a double edged sword. If I choose to live on faith and wear rose colored glasses it is not foolish, it is a survival trait. I believe we are all interconnected and that we give what we can to make the world a better place. We plant seeds that we hope will bloom if not for us those who come after. When we surrender our lives to something greater than our existence we gain something beyond price. That is why I hope against hope and fight the fight every day. I do it joyfully and without complaint. When reason tells me all is lost I will always beg to differ. That is my path, and my feet move along it, step by step, day by day moving closer to my personal goal of salvation.

Till we meet again, live your life with passion, live it with joy, and wonder. Try to be good to yourself, and do something good for others. Always remember you are never alone as long as friends are near.

All the best for you and those you love and love you back.

Will